Coming Home.

The last time I wrote on this blog was nearly a year ago, in April, 2012. So many things have changed or happened in my life since then. I have gained friends, a relationship, and so much more. I feel like I have lost a lot of things too. I've had to grow up pretty fast in this last year. I didn't get to go to college, and my mom got pretty sick. My life is not going at all the way I had planned it to. In April of last year I was crying because I didn't want to leave my best friends, my family, and my home to go 2,000 miles away to Vanderwagen, New Mexico. I was honestly scared to death. I was scared about going to Minnesota for Bible college as well. It turns out, I didn't have to worry about some of those things because I didn't qualify for financial aid, and therefore, I couldn't go to school. That was heartbreaking for me because I have wanted to go to this college since I was 12 years old, and I have felt God's tugging for me to go there for just as long. The things that happened this past year weren't all bad though.. I learned a lot of things:

1. I had a broken heart. And no, it wasn't from a boy. It was from things and my past and things I felt that I didn't have. I have come to learn that even though I had, and still sometimes have, a broken heart.. that's when God can use me the most. He will always be holding onto me. He'll never let me go. He'll use those broken pieces to make something beautiful.

2. After Broken Arrow, life will never be the same. Half of my heart will forever be in New Mexico at that Bible Ranch, and there's just about nothing I can do about it. I actually learned that my first day there.. the minute I set foot in the chapel and sat down on that floor. I knew that the place, the people, and the campers would gradually become a part of me. A part that I would never want to let go. And I can't wait to go back! I'm honestly so excited to see what this summer has in store for me, and I'm thrilled that following God's guidance has sent me back to the place that I hold so dear to my heart.

Those are probably the two most important things I have learned over the past months since April. Tonight I was reminded that I just need to be still and know that God is God. He's never left my side, and He's never going to. We were having a prayer meeting before youth, like we always do.. and Pastor Jane asked us to go by ourselves and talk with God before we came together as a group. I was sitting in a corner of the room asking God where He is and why I can't feel Him lately.. Next thing I know I hear the simple whisper that God uses to speak to me, saying, "that is when I carried you."

Sometimes I get so lost in my own little world that I don't even remember what Jesus went through for me. He was brutally beaten and DIED for me.. the least I can do is give my life to serve Him. It's not easy to be a Christian, but it is SO worth it. I would give anything for the cause of Christ. I would give up my relationship, my dreams, my friends, my life.. It wouldn't be easy, but I would have to do it. Because when God gives an order, we are called to listen. We are called to live a VERY different life. We are not called to live in our own little worlds, living our simple little lives. No. We are called to be radically, passionately, madly, in love with Christ. That's how I want to live. Honestly, Mama Lou once said, "in a million years.. is what you're doing right now going to save a life or not? Then why are you doing it?"

God's name is so POWERFUL. I mean, think about it. He created EVERYTHING. I just want to show the whole world the power of God's name. That's where I'm at right now.. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, working a pointless job, doing nothing worthwhile for God. That's when I have to remember that HE has a plan for my life because HE created me. That's what I'm going to do from now on. Keep that in mind.
PositiveThinking.
Love always,
Stephanie <3

Here's to Honesty..

Honestly, I wish I couldn't feel anything right now.. because what I do feel is a gaping hole in my stomach & that my heart has been ripped and is hanging there while I continue to sob my eyes out. I didn't want to write this on a facebook note, because I didn't want people to think I was writing this to get sympathy. I'm writing this to be understood, to understand myself. God wants all of me, every last feeling, emotion, and desire. And honestly, I don't like giving up my jealousy, or my feelings, or my desire for August. Or even my pain. Sometimes, I like pain, because it shows that I am feeling something. Don't get me wrong, I have never caused myself physical harm. Just mental and emotional I guess..

I just feel hurt.. Like i'm fighting against the strongest desire I have ever had, and I know it's stupid. I know people have to grow up. I know that I'm going to have to lose my best friends, I'm going to have to be on my own. Just me & God. I know that. When all of your friends have a calling as strong as yours, it's rare that you're all going to have time to be "best friends forever." Like you promised. I get that. It just sucks. I mean, serving God, wow.. that's the GREATEST privilege ever. And God calls us to give up the thing that is most important to us and give it to Him. Yes, He has blessed me BEYOND a shadow of a doubt. He does everything for me. And a lot of times I am not grateful, but when God blesses us we have to know that we have to give things up to Him and allow Him to do what He wants with it..even if it hurts.

And it hurts, trust me. Right now, I feel like I don't ever want to get out of bed again, yet, in six weeks I will be off starting my life without my mom.. without Sheila, Brooke, or Kelly. Without August. With Bryan Ridgeway, without Pastor Jane. Without Jamie Neaton. Why is this so hard for me to be okay with? For me to grasp? It came on me so strongly last night, while I was sick. It didn't feel good. It felt like I KNOW something, but I can't put it in my heart and trust EVERYTHING to it. I KNOW God is there for me, I know He is the LOVE OF MY LIFE.. And that I don't need to ever be in a relationship to understand that. I know that He is the best friend I will ever have, because He doesnt fail my like my best friends on earth will and have. I know that HE is my parent, but it doesn't feel the same. It feels like I am nothing without my earthly mother, like I have nothing without her. Yet, she's getting sicker, and I'm leaving forever. How am I supposed to live with that? What about when she dies? Will I even be in the States? Who knows? Only God.

I don't know WHY I feel like this, why I never want to get out of bed again when in reality I should be SO HONORED that God picked me.. that He has a plan for my life! I should not be sitting here feeling sorry for myself, feeling more scared than I've ever felt in my entire life. I should not be scared at all. I should not be sick at all. I should be fine, better than fine, ecstatic. happy. overjoyed. Instead, i'm tired, sick, heartbroken, and don't even know what to do with myself other than cry. That's pathetic, I'm pathetic. I need to get it together, and as soon as I'm done with this note I'm going to work on that. I know that God's plan is best, but I don't believe it. If I did, I wouldn't be acting like this. I would be jumping for joy, filling out college papers, not crying.. missing everything that I haven't even left yet. I feel so weak. I know in my heart that crying isn't weakness, but my mind tells me otherwise. it always has.

In conclusion, God us good. SO GOOD. He's Holy and Perfect and He has a way of showing me that even..or especially when I don't deserve it.

Dear Jesus,

"I lay my life down at your feet, cause you're the only one I need.. I turn to You, and You were always there."

Basically, this is my life. I want my whole life to be God's. Used for His purposes, not mine. And I make A LOT of mistakes, but I'm trying. I want God's BEST for my life.. His best.. Not his second choice plans. I'm striving for what He had in mind the very moment He created me.

Please help me, Jesus. Help me to live in a way worthy of you. Help me to use my life to help human trafficking victims, because that is what I feel that you want me to do. In all honesty, it's the only thing I can see myself doing for all time. I love it. Thank you <3 :)

Art. Beauty. Life.

"You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too."

Why would you live life like this? Sometimes I just want to shake people until they WAKE UP. I'm crazy, I know that. But you know that that means? I don't live one second bored. I need someone, someone as completely insane as me. Someone that will dance in the rain, play in the sun, and be messed up WITH me. I need that.. I'm sick of these people that think they are "too cool" to have fun! Please, growing up isn't about being serious all the time. Growing up is about realizing what matters in life, and the beauty of everything. The beauty of every thing that is put down, not looked at, not loved.

I see life as a giant painting, everything is a part of the masterpiece. Why haven't I found anyone, in seventeen years, that sees things like that? Where is my soul mate? To be perfectly honest, I've never met someone like this. I mean, yes, I've connected with people. Almost everyone I've ever come into contact with has been someone I could find something in common with. But it's not the same thing! Where is this person? This writer, this artist, this.. CRAZY person.. The one for me, to keep beside me as a friend, a kindred spirit. I feel like I'm a lost cause. I'm so insane..that there isn't anyone. There isn't someone for me to relate to. But I know deep down in my heart, my rain dancing, sunshine loving friend IS out there.. They are waiting for me too.. They are sick of this. They are done being alone. So if this relates to you,if you see life the way I do, let me know. :)

This. Is. My. Heart. <3

Inside. My. Mind.

I always get so sad at night... I guess it's a good time to read about co dependancy.
This is a continuation of what I was reading last night...

In regards to codependency, there was a very dysfunctional family of origin...

"In the dysfunctional family system, the primary goal of the family
members is survival. Very little development takes place in the
children. They assume rigid roles and don’t develop a strong
sense of self-worth. As a result, they are doomed to keep playing
these roles in their marriages and other relationships.
In this type of family system, most normal self-development is
lost. All of the unconscious focus is on the primary dysfunctional
person.

*The enabler tries to make everything okay.
*The hero thinks that by being perfect, the problems will go
away.
*The scapegoat rebels against the family problems and
ultimately believes that he is the problem.
*The lost child pulls into a shell, withdraws and isolates
himself from meaningful relationships.
*The mascot tries desperately to make everyone laugh in
the midst of the tragedy of the family situation."

I guess we all had our roles as the dysfunctional person in the family. My dad was an alcoholic and left at one point. My sister got into smoking, the bad crowd and became suicidal. Mom fell into a deep dark depression... and I had many struggles. So perhaps we all played a part?

I played all those roles at one time, and still tend to fall into them.

"Just as it’s true that the many roles operating within the
dysfunctional family system are comprised of codependent
behaviors, it is also true that those within the system often change
the roles they play. One teenager changed from serving as the
family hero to acting as the rebellious scapegoat when her sister
moved from the scapegoat role into that of the enabler. Family
roles are not static. When one person changes his role, it often
forces others to change their roles, too.

Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their problems.

It occurs when a person’s God-given needs for love and security
have been blocked in a relationship with a dysfunctional person,
resulting in a lack of objectivity, a warped sense of responsibility,
being controlled and controlling others and in hurt and anger, guilt, and loneliness.

These characteristics affect the codependent’s every relationship and desire. His goal in life is to avoid the pain of being unloved and to find ways to prove that he is lovable. It is a desperate quest.

One of the most tragic traits of codependency is the loss of
identity. In his dysfunctional family, the codependent learns that
he has to please others to gain their approval. Therefore, he
gravitates to one extreme or another. He may give up his identity
by thinking what he believes others want him to think, feeling
what he believes others want him to feel and acting the way he
believes others want him to act. Or, he may defiantly defend his
separate identity. He may argue over the smallest point because
he feels threatened, or he may hold to a point of view even after he
realizes it is wrong or unreasonable. He may childishly demand
his own way. Both of these extremes are common at some time in
the lives of most codependents.

We rescue and control others because we hope that our efforts will
win the love, stability and approval that we desperately want.
Often, our rescuing is appreciated by others. That appreciation
then reinforces our compulsion to rescue and control, but we fail
to see that it only meets our needs for love at the surface level. It
doesn’t meet our deepest needs, in fact, it is insidiously destructive
because superficial appreciation and love sink us deeper into the
mire of the controlling and rescuing patterns of codependency.

As codependents, we usually deny the hurt inside. We learn to put
on pleasant facades to hide the reality of our anger, pain, bitterness
and depression. Or, we live from successful rescue to successful
rescue, feeling really good about ourselves, but again, seldom
seeing even a glimmer of the painful cause of our compulsive
rescuing. Looking inside is painful but necessary if we are to
experience genuine love, warmth, meaning and intimacy."

Online Questions:

1. Whom do you feel responsible for? In what ways do these people need you? What would happen if you didn't meet their needs? How do you feel and act when you do help them? How about when you can't?

**Though it's better, I still feel pretty responsible for my mom and my best friend. When I'm in a talking to a guy.. and even just beginning to like one, I usually feel responsible for him or someone I used to love too. They need me to be their reality check. Sheila has her head in the clouds and mom is so wrapped up in work. I usually think I need a boy, emotionally, romantically, as a care taker, as a support system etc. If I didn't meet their needs, I feel like I would be letting them down... that they would suffer because of me. For a relationship, I would think they would cheat, abuse or leave me. But though I like to think otherwise, the world would go on. I also find that NOT trying to meet their needs allows them to get stronger and actually make progress on their own. (You can't force anyone to change). When I help them, I kind of resent the fact that they needed me... but love feeling needed and love helping out since it truly is so wrapped up in my identity. And when I can't help them, I feel like a failure... like I've let them down.

2. In what ways have you lost your identity through codependency?
*** I question my spirituality all the time... based on what others think, I change my interests. I don't really know what my favorites are. I'm only now beginning to realize what I like without copying or adapting to what others want or say I should want. I don't have a style. I don't have many material things that show my personality... and I have the worst time making even simple decisions usually.

3. What aspects of your life have you neglected as you focused on the needs of others?
***Spiritual, emotional, physical (health), mental, my writing, education, family, friends, social life (yeah everything over time)

4. What are some ways you make yourself appear strong and healthy on the outside as you hide your anger, hurt, pain etc. from the world?
*** exercise, controlling what I eat, caffeine, sugar... fake smiling... I come across as overly positive and only show my best face to most... I do it at school, usually in public, with family... rarely showing what else is underneath.

5. Why is it so hard to be honest about the pain inside?
*** because it pushes people away, it can hurt people, it hurts like hell, it affects every aspect about my life, makes me feel weak, makes me judge myself and makes me feel like others are judging me, it's intense and so powerful that I don't know how to control it when it does surface (usually against my will)

6. Why is it so necessary?
*** I guess I can't really lie to myself? It goes back years... friendships, family situations, church... etc.

7. What are some things you do or say to meet others approval?
***chores, favors, compliments, sharing information, sacrificing myself, giving advice and tips, going out of my way to fix something for them, lend money, lend time etc.

8. How do you respond when you are not appreciated?
*** Sadly, I feel like it was for nothing and get upset at myself for putting myself out there. I feel REALLY hurt... wonder if they even care. I feel like I need to be better and do more.

It's really embarrassing to put all that out there... but it's the truth. There are days I can't pretend that everything is fine anymore and I have a melt down. There are days when I'm convinced that I'm perfectly fine... and there are days I allow myself to kind of drift back to my default so I can get some of my emotional energy off of me.

Today is a stronger day. I think being/feeling needed last night with my friend played a huge part. I think feeling needed in general is like self-food for me. It makes me feel like I should exist or something. It makes me more loving, positive... and makes me feel like I have a purpose and deserve to be in the lives of the people that I help.

With Every Move I Die.

Well, I began the day by reading a text that was sent an hour earlier than I wake up to my phone. He was being a smart aleck like he usually is and it just made me smile. Dunno, WHY that makes me smile. But... it really does, (and I certainly enjoy laughing), So I texted him back... And we talked for most of the day. lol... oh man.

Another day at school... not really needed. I'm already so stressed out with homework... but suppose it could be worse.

I thought about trying to write what I was feeling today... but I tried that yesterday. It didn't really work.. and trying today would leave me like a failure. So I am just giving a highlight of my day, for my blog today. I don't get it... when I have something so creative to express, I can't. Now when I don't care much, the words just come out. And I guess I can't really help that... because it's just how I am.

I'm excited to go to church tonight. I am getting a letter from my amazing friend Brooke... and we have so much catching up to do.

Dunno, I need some inspiration right now... am feeling pretty dull.

-----

I keep going back and thinking about the little lessons I have learned inside my different friendships with people... and keep dreaming about things. And I wonder why I can't just let some, or all of this go?

If I hand this all over to God, am I not taking control/responsibility of my life? How contradictory.

And I think at school... I'm going to just kind of keep to myself. If someone is doing something wrong, let them get caught without me. Seems like every time I step in, I get slapped on the hand by the universe.

All for now, Love,
Steph (:

:)

Today happened to be a lot of fun. I got my picture taken with Christiana by the fabulous Kyla Ray :)

I went to the Really Really Free Market, I got a ton of books, I got two pair of tights, I got two pair of shoes, I laughed a lot. It happened to be nice weather too :D

God's life, He's everything I really need.

Okay, that's really all I have to say.

P.S. You're something special. You're a creation of God. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.