It's a new season.. (:

This will be long... I am just trying to organize this concept in my head.

Life- it's the same game... just different rules. All the lasting changes I've made came from an acceptance in a change of my thinking. As a former and sometimes current black and white thinker, this change in thinking led me to finally find a middle ground.

Since I'm a writer.... I always have a blog in my head. Change the script, change the outcome.

An example is with my relationships. A change in rules and a change in scripts is always needed. I've had to rethink everything about male masculinity... about a man's intentions. I had to be tested until I accepted the weakness in males at times. I have to rewire my thinking: all guys don't hit or force. There is still a lot of re-writing to do. I don't have to be the perfect girl 24/7. I don't have to agree to everything. I don't have to give up my identity and allow manipulation for him to get what he wants out of me etc.

And it seems like the desire for happiness is what makes me seek out the middle ground in my thinking. It's like my north star. This is how I'm starting to view the world... that we all are trying to meet our needs and find ways of doing so. When life changes, we need to find different ways to meet those needs... or need to find ways of meeting new needs. I would love to concentrate on this for a while... it seems true. My unhappiness stems from my needs not being met.

The start of my relationship cycle began when my emotional needs were not being met. Any positive attention I got... any compliment... any guy that acted like he truly cared stole my heart. I feel dead when I don't have emotonal connections- since that is how I experience and interpret my world. Same needs... different way of getting them met. This time I'm reconnecting with my family more... concentrating on friends... and changing my rules about the all or nothing relationship approach. The result? I still feel like I'm "cheating the system" lol... but I'm happier and feel less empty.

What if it's that basic? What if life really is about meeting our needs.. and in relationships too? What if the key to happiness is simple like that too- finding ways to fulfill all our needs? Do our wants help us fulfill them?

I guess I'm just so used to depriving myself... or binging on aspects of life because I'm so starved of something. Hah. Funny how this is just symbolism. Letting myself be happy... letting myself be fulfilled... by altering my rules and my life script... this seems to be helping.

Other rules I'm overriding:

Ex loves can never be friends. All ties involved in the friendship or relationship must be broken after you decide to move on or you break up. (I'm trying to keep peace with my previous loves, have a distant friendship with a different one... and am still close to their families in other cases)

Cuddling is only okay in serious romantic relationships. (This is a really hard one)

Friendships have to be long-term and serious only. (No... they can be in the moment... and fun... and still meaningful.)

There's something wrong with me that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. (I'm exploring and the timing isn't right.)

Fathers are only for protection and lectures and have no emotional connections with their daughters. (My dad said "I love you" one day... he askes about my day... he does little things to show he cares.)

Not being able to finish something is failure. (No failure would be taking on more than I can handle and hurting my GPA because of my pride.)

Mistakes require repeated self-punishment. (They require forgiveness of myself, learning the lesson, changing my ways... and moving onward.)

etc. etc. etc. As I change the way I think about them... change the script and the rules of my life, I expand my awareness... approach everything out of love and find the peace of alligning my beliefs with my growth.

That's what change is about. Events are brought up from the past that challenge us to change our thinking about them to heal.

I love this.

I feel calm and centered right now. There is no crisis- always feels strange. I can't beat myself up for not being stressed for a moment because I usually am. I can't feel sad when my needs are being met etc. So what now? No pain. No hurt. Peace. :)