My Whole Heart..

I am starting fresh. Why? Because I often need a new start... and hemming and hawing over the past would just be destructive.

So today. I was sad and confused. This particular boy I like goes from completely cold and kind of mean to joking, friendly and flirting with me. I just kind of go along with it. Of course it's not crossing the line... but the switch gets me every time.

So it's obvious I have emotional problems. And here I am sitting here and feeling a loss. It comes and goes in varying intensities but the point is that it's there.

I still do some of the same behaviors:
go out of my way to be helpful... doing more than my share.
trying to fix peoples problems.
minimizing my own worth.
acting submissive around certain people.
shutting down when there's anger around me.
seeking out someone when I'm hurting.
clinging to people and situations.
being afraid to talk to authority.
doing everything I can to keep things peaceful.

So the behaviors happen all the time.
So to humor myself, I'm going to work on them... and am going to go use this blog to sort things out in my mind.

Step 1: Admitting the several things about myself I need to deal with.

*It sure stops me from being myself. I'm constantly worried about what others think... or punishing myself later for saying or doing the wrong thing.
*It causes severe isolation when I don't feel good enough or feel that I don't fit in.
*Jealousy has caused major problems in my past friendships.
*Pissing people off with trying to control or change them.
*Becoming clingy and annoying in my friendships or when I like someone.
*Completely losing myself... forgetting my values and interests and passions.
*Pushing friends and family away when I need them the most.
*Being walked on, pushed around and constantly manipulated.
*Keeping my emotions bottled up for years because I didn't want to upset people or be judged.
*Lack of healthy boundaries.
etc. etc. etc.

It's a little better... but it's not fixed. All my close friendships... and even my relationship with my mom is something I rely on too much. I am extremely dependent on my mom... and so is mom on me. I attract people that either want to help/fix me... or that I think I can help/fix.

Not to mention I confuse friendship with romance due to other factors... I feel like quite the mess.

And of course I have my own addictions I guess... everyone does. I know I can be emotionally abusive to people at times... so am not playing the saint here. Like attracts like. I get that.

But its due to how I was brought up. I was the one that convinced my mom to get up off the floor, make dinner and go on from her day after talking to her as she cried for hours when she fought with my dad.

And I guess when I've liked a guy it has always been "I need you" rather than... "I want you." And I thought that as long as I was needed, I was worthy and had a role. It shouldn't be that way... and really... I'm sick of feeling this way... I'm sick of needing a guy to talk to. But when I don't have one, something doesn't feel quite right.

So it's a problem that I need to figure out. I still don't even like being alone... and sleeping in a house alone is probably one of my worst fears. All this stuff holds me back. And I always feel safer with other people around... just in case. I rarely trust my own judgment... and don't even know WHY I struggle with these things.

So much to work on.

Thats all for now, (: