I always get so sad at night... I guess it's a good time to read about co dependancy.
This is a continuation of what I was reading last night...
In regards to codependency, there was a very dysfunctional family of origin...
"In the dysfunctional family system, the primary goal of the family
members is survival. Very little development takes place in the
children. They assume rigid roles and don’t develop a strong
sense of self-worth. As a result, they are doomed to keep playing
these roles in their marriages and other relationships.
In this type of family system, most normal self-development is
lost. All of the unconscious focus is on the primary dysfunctional
person.
*The enabler tries to make everything okay.
*The hero thinks that by being perfect, the problems will go
away.
*The scapegoat rebels against the family problems and
ultimately believes that he is the problem.
*The lost child pulls into a shell, withdraws and isolates
himself from meaningful relationships.
*The mascot tries desperately to make everyone laugh in
the midst of the tragedy of the family situation."
I guess we all had our roles as the dysfunctional person in the family. My dad was an alcoholic and left at one point. My sister got into smoking, the bad crowd and became suicidal. Mom fell into a deep dark depression... and I had many struggles. So perhaps we all played a part?
I played all those roles at one time, and still tend to fall into them.
"Just as it’s true that the many roles operating within the
dysfunctional family system are comprised of codependent
behaviors, it is also true that those within the system often change
the roles they play. One teenager changed from serving as the
family hero to acting as the rebellious scapegoat when her sister
moved from the scapegoat role into that of the enabler. Family
roles are not static. When one person changes his role, it often
forces others to change their roles, too.
Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their problems.
It occurs when a person’s God-given needs for love and security
have been blocked in a relationship with a dysfunctional person,
resulting in a lack of objectivity, a warped sense of responsibility,
being controlled and controlling others and in hurt and anger, guilt, and loneliness.
These characteristics affect the codependent’s every relationship and desire. His goal in life is to avoid the pain of being unloved and to find ways to prove that he is lovable. It is a desperate quest.
One of the most tragic traits of codependency is the loss of
identity. In his dysfunctional family, the codependent learns that
he has to please others to gain their approval. Therefore, he
gravitates to one extreme or another. He may give up his identity
by thinking what he believes others want him to think, feeling
what he believes others want him to feel and acting the way he
believes others want him to act. Or, he may defiantly defend his
separate identity. He may argue over the smallest point because
he feels threatened, or he may hold to a point of view even after he
realizes it is wrong or unreasonable. He may childishly demand
his own way. Both of these extremes are common at some time in
the lives of most codependents.
We rescue and control others because we hope that our efforts will
win the love, stability and approval that we desperately want.
Often, our rescuing is appreciated by others. That appreciation
then reinforces our compulsion to rescue and control, but we fail
to see that it only meets our needs for love at the surface level. It
doesn’t meet our deepest needs, in fact, it is insidiously destructive
because superficial appreciation and love sink us deeper into the
mire of the controlling and rescuing patterns of codependency.
As codependents, we usually deny the hurt inside. We learn to put
on pleasant facades to hide the reality of our anger, pain, bitterness
and depression. Or, we live from successful rescue to successful
rescue, feeling really good about ourselves, but again, seldom
seeing even a glimmer of the painful cause of our compulsive
rescuing. Looking inside is painful but necessary if we are to
experience genuine love, warmth, meaning and intimacy."
Online Questions:
1. Whom do you feel responsible for? In what ways do these people need you? What would happen if you didn't meet their needs? How do you feel and act when you do help them? How about when you can't?
**Though it's better, I still feel pretty responsible for my mom and my best friend. When I'm in a talking to a guy.. and even just beginning to like one, I usually feel responsible for him or someone I used to love too. They need me to be their reality check. Sheila has her head in the clouds and mom is so wrapped up in work. I usually think I need a boy, emotionally, romantically, as a care taker, as a support system etc. If I didn't meet their needs, I feel like I would be letting them down... that they would suffer because of me. For a relationship, I would think they would cheat, abuse or leave me. But though I like to think otherwise, the world would go on. I also find that NOT trying to meet their needs allows them to get stronger and actually make progress on their own. (You can't force anyone to change). When I help them, I kind of resent the fact that they needed me... but love feeling needed and love helping out since it truly is so wrapped up in my identity. And when I can't help them, I feel like a failure... like I've let them down.
2. In what ways have you lost your identity through codependency?
*** I question my spirituality all the time... based on what others think, I change my interests. I don't really know what my favorites are. I'm only now beginning to realize what I like without copying or adapting to what others want or say I should want. I don't have a style. I don't have many material things that show my personality... and I have the worst time making even simple decisions usually.
3. What aspects of your life have you neglected as you focused on the needs of others?
***Spiritual, emotional, physical (health), mental, my writing, education, family, friends, social life (yeah everything over time)
4. What are some ways you make yourself appear strong and healthy on the outside as you hide your anger, hurt, pain etc. from the world?
*** exercise, controlling what I eat, caffeine, sugar... fake smiling... I come across as overly positive and only show my best face to most... I do it at school, usually in public, with family... rarely showing what else is underneath.
5. Why is it so hard to be honest about the pain inside?
*** because it pushes people away, it can hurt people, it hurts like hell, it affects every aspect about my life, makes me feel weak, makes me judge myself and makes me feel like others are judging me, it's intense and so powerful that I don't know how to control it when it does surface (usually against my will)
6. Why is it so necessary?
*** I guess I can't really lie to myself? It goes back years... friendships, family situations, church... etc.
7. What are some things you do or say to meet others approval?
***chores, favors, compliments, sharing information, sacrificing myself, giving advice and tips, going out of my way to fix something for them, lend money, lend time etc.
8. How do you respond when you are not appreciated?
*** Sadly, I feel like it was for nothing and get upset at myself for putting myself out there. I feel REALLY hurt... wonder if they even care. I feel like I need to be better and do more.
It's really embarrassing to put all that out there... but it's the truth. There are days I can't pretend that everything is fine anymore and I have a melt down. There are days when I'm convinced that I'm perfectly fine... and there are days I allow myself to kind of drift back to my default so I can get some of my emotional energy off of me.
Today is a stronger day. I think being/feeling needed last night with my friend played a huge part. I think feeling needed in general is like self-food for me. It makes me feel like I should exist or something. It makes me more loving, positive... and makes me feel like I have a purpose and deserve to be in the lives of the people that I help.
