Art. Beauty. Life.

"You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too."

Why would you live life like this? Sometimes I just want to shake people until they WAKE UP. I'm crazy, I know that. But you know that that means? I don't live one second bored. I need someone, someone as completely insane as me. Someone that will dance in the rain, play in the sun, and be messed up WITH me. I need that.. I'm sick of these people that think they are "too cool" to have fun! Please, growing up isn't about being serious all the time. Growing up is about realizing what matters in life, and the beauty of everything. The beauty of every thing that is put down, not looked at, not loved.

I see life as a giant painting, everything is a part of the masterpiece. Why haven't I found anyone, in seventeen years, that sees things like that? Where is my soul mate? To be perfectly honest, I've never met someone like this. I mean, yes, I've connected with people. Almost everyone I've ever come into contact with has been someone I could find something in common with. But it's not the same thing! Where is this person? This writer, this artist, this.. CRAZY person.. The one for me, to keep beside me as a friend, a kindred spirit. I feel like I'm a lost cause. I'm so insane..that there isn't anyone. There isn't someone for me to relate to. But I know deep down in my heart, my rain dancing, sunshine loving friend IS out there.. They are waiting for me too.. They are sick of this. They are done being alone. So if this relates to you,if you see life the way I do, let me know. :)

This. Is. My. Heart. <3

Inside. My. Mind.

I always get so sad at night... I guess it's a good time to read about co dependancy.
This is a continuation of what I was reading last night...

In regards to codependency, there was a very dysfunctional family of origin...

"In the dysfunctional family system, the primary goal of the family
members is survival. Very little development takes place in the
children. They assume rigid roles and don’t develop a strong
sense of self-worth. As a result, they are doomed to keep playing
these roles in their marriages and other relationships.
In this type of family system, most normal self-development is
lost. All of the unconscious focus is on the primary dysfunctional
person.

*The enabler tries to make everything okay.
*The hero thinks that by being perfect, the problems will go
away.
*The scapegoat rebels against the family problems and
ultimately believes that he is the problem.
*The lost child pulls into a shell, withdraws and isolates
himself from meaningful relationships.
*The mascot tries desperately to make everyone laugh in
the midst of the tragedy of the family situation."

I guess we all had our roles as the dysfunctional person in the family. My dad was an alcoholic and left at one point. My sister got into smoking, the bad crowd and became suicidal. Mom fell into a deep dark depression... and I had many struggles. So perhaps we all played a part?

I played all those roles at one time, and still tend to fall into them.

"Just as it’s true that the many roles operating within the
dysfunctional family system are comprised of codependent
behaviors, it is also true that those within the system often change
the roles they play. One teenager changed from serving as the
family hero to acting as the rebellious scapegoat when her sister
moved from the scapegoat role into that of the enabler. Family
roles are not static. When one person changes his role, it often
forces others to change their roles, too.

Codependency is a compulsion to control and rescue people by fixing their problems.

It occurs when a person’s God-given needs for love and security
have been blocked in a relationship with a dysfunctional person,
resulting in a lack of objectivity, a warped sense of responsibility,
being controlled and controlling others and in hurt and anger, guilt, and loneliness.

These characteristics affect the codependent’s every relationship and desire. His goal in life is to avoid the pain of being unloved and to find ways to prove that he is lovable. It is a desperate quest.

One of the most tragic traits of codependency is the loss of
identity. In his dysfunctional family, the codependent learns that
he has to please others to gain their approval. Therefore, he
gravitates to one extreme or another. He may give up his identity
by thinking what he believes others want him to think, feeling
what he believes others want him to feel and acting the way he
believes others want him to act. Or, he may defiantly defend his
separate identity. He may argue over the smallest point because
he feels threatened, or he may hold to a point of view even after he
realizes it is wrong or unreasonable. He may childishly demand
his own way. Both of these extremes are common at some time in
the lives of most codependents.

We rescue and control others because we hope that our efforts will
win the love, stability and approval that we desperately want.
Often, our rescuing is appreciated by others. That appreciation
then reinforces our compulsion to rescue and control, but we fail
to see that it only meets our needs for love at the surface level. It
doesn’t meet our deepest needs, in fact, it is insidiously destructive
because superficial appreciation and love sink us deeper into the
mire of the controlling and rescuing patterns of codependency.

As codependents, we usually deny the hurt inside. We learn to put
on pleasant facades to hide the reality of our anger, pain, bitterness
and depression. Or, we live from successful rescue to successful
rescue, feeling really good about ourselves, but again, seldom
seeing even a glimmer of the painful cause of our compulsive
rescuing. Looking inside is painful but necessary if we are to
experience genuine love, warmth, meaning and intimacy."

Online Questions:

1. Whom do you feel responsible for? In what ways do these people need you? What would happen if you didn't meet their needs? How do you feel and act when you do help them? How about when you can't?

**Though it's better, I still feel pretty responsible for my mom and my best friend. When I'm in a talking to a guy.. and even just beginning to like one, I usually feel responsible for him or someone I used to love too. They need me to be their reality check. Sheila has her head in the clouds and mom is so wrapped up in work. I usually think I need a boy, emotionally, romantically, as a care taker, as a support system etc. If I didn't meet their needs, I feel like I would be letting them down... that they would suffer because of me. For a relationship, I would think they would cheat, abuse or leave me. But though I like to think otherwise, the world would go on. I also find that NOT trying to meet their needs allows them to get stronger and actually make progress on their own. (You can't force anyone to change). When I help them, I kind of resent the fact that they needed me... but love feeling needed and love helping out since it truly is so wrapped up in my identity. And when I can't help them, I feel like a failure... like I've let them down.

2. In what ways have you lost your identity through codependency?
*** I question my spirituality all the time... based on what others think, I change my interests. I don't really know what my favorites are. I'm only now beginning to realize what I like without copying or adapting to what others want or say I should want. I don't have a style. I don't have many material things that show my personality... and I have the worst time making even simple decisions usually.

3. What aspects of your life have you neglected as you focused on the needs of others?
***Spiritual, emotional, physical (health), mental, my writing, education, family, friends, social life (yeah everything over time)

4. What are some ways you make yourself appear strong and healthy on the outside as you hide your anger, hurt, pain etc. from the world?
*** exercise, controlling what I eat, caffeine, sugar... fake smiling... I come across as overly positive and only show my best face to most... I do it at school, usually in public, with family... rarely showing what else is underneath.

5. Why is it so hard to be honest about the pain inside?
*** because it pushes people away, it can hurt people, it hurts like hell, it affects every aspect about my life, makes me feel weak, makes me judge myself and makes me feel like others are judging me, it's intense and so powerful that I don't know how to control it when it does surface (usually against my will)

6. Why is it so necessary?
*** I guess I can't really lie to myself? It goes back years... friendships, family situations, church... etc.

7. What are some things you do or say to meet others approval?
***chores, favors, compliments, sharing information, sacrificing myself, giving advice and tips, going out of my way to fix something for them, lend money, lend time etc.

8. How do you respond when you are not appreciated?
*** Sadly, I feel like it was for nothing and get upset at myself for putting myself out there. I feel REALLY hurt... wonder if they even care. I feel like I need to be better and do more.

It's really embarrassing to put all that out there... but it's the truth. There are days I can't pretend that everything is fine anymore and I have a melt down. There are days when I'm convinced that I'm perfectly fine... and there are days I allow myself to kind of drift back to my default so I can get some of my emotional energy off of me.

Today is a stronger day. I think being/feeling needed last night with my friend played a huge part. I think feeling needed in general is like self-food for me. It makes me feel like I should exist or something. It makes me more loving, positive... and makes me feel like I have a purpose and deserve to be in the lives of the people that I help.

With Every Move I Die.

Well, I began the day by reading a text that was sent an hour earlier than I wake up to my phone. He was being a smart aleck like he usually is and it just made me smile. Dunno, WHY that makes me smile. But... it really does, (and I certainly enjoy laughing), So I texted him back... And we talked for most of the day. lol... oh man.

Another day at school... not really needed. I'm already so stressed out with homework... but suppose it could be worse.

I thought about trying to write what I was feeling today... but I tried that yesterday. It didn't really work.. and trying today would leave me like a failure. So I am just giving a highlight of my day, for my blog today. I don't get it... when I have something so creative to express, I can't. Now when I don't care much, the words just come out. And I guess I can't really help that... because it's just how I am.

I'm excited to go to church tonight. I am getting a letter from my amazing friend Brooke... and we have so much catching up to do.

Dunno, I need some inspiration right now... am feeling pretty dull.

-----

I keep going back and thinking about the little lessons I have learned inside my different friendships with people... and keep dreaming about things. And I wonder why I can't just let some, or all of this go?

If I hand this all over to God, am I not taking control/responsibility of my life? How contradictory.

And I think at school... I'm going to just kind of keep to myself. If someone is doing something wrong, let them get caught without me. Seems like every time I step in, I get slapped on the hand by the universe.

All for now, Love,
Steph (:

:)

Today happened to be a lot of fun. I got my picture taken with Christiana by the fabulous Kyla Ray :)

I went to the Really Really Free Market, I got a ton of books, I got two pair of tights, I got two pair of shoes, I laughed a lot. It happened to be nice weather too :D

God's life, He's everything I really need.

Okay, that's really all I have to say.

P.S. You're something special. You're a creation of God. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

My Whole Heart..

I am starting fresh. Why? Because I often need a new start... and hemming and hawing over the past would just be destructive.

So today. I was sad and confused. This particular boy I like goes from completely cold and kind of mean to joking, friendly and flirting with me. I just kind of go along with it. Of course it's not crossing the line... but the switch gets me every time.

So it's obvious I have emotional problems. And here I am sitting here and feeling a loss. It comes and goes in varying intensities but the point is that it's there.

I still do some of the same behaviors:
go out of my way to be helpful... doing more than my share.
trying to fix peoples problems.
minimizing my own worth.
acting submissive around certain people.
shutting down when there's anger around me.
seeking out someone when I'm hurting.
clinging to people and situations.
being afraid to talk to authority.
doing everything I can to keep things peaceful.

So the behaviors happen all the time.
So to humor myself, I'm going to work on them... and am going to go use this blog to sort things out in my mind.

Step 1: Admitting the several things about myself I need to deal with.

*It sure stops me from being myself. I'm constantly worried about what others think... or punishing myself later for saying or doing the wrong thing.
*It causes severe isolation when I don't feel good enough or feel that I don't fit in.
*Jealousy has caused major problems in my past friendships.
*Pissing people off with trying to control or change them.
*Becoming clingy and annoying in my friendships or when I like someone.
*Completely losing myself... forgetting my values and interests and passions.
*Pushing friends and family away when I need them the most.
*Being walked on, pushed around and constantly manipulated.
*Keeping my emotions bottled up for years because I didn't want to upset people or be judged.
*Lack of healthy boundaries.
etc. etc. etc.

It's a little better... but it's not fixed. All my close friendships... and even my relationship with my mom is something I rely on too much. I am extremely dependent on my mom... and so is mom on me. I attract people that either want to help/fix me... or that I think I can help/fix.

Not to mention I confuse friendship with romance due to other factors... I feel like quite the mess.

And of course I have my own addictions I guess... everyone does. I know I can be emotionally abusive to people at times... so am not playing the saint here. Like attracts like. I get that.

But its due to how I was brought up. I was the one that convinced my mom to get up off the floor, make dinner and go on from her day after talking to her as she cried for hours when she fought with my dad.

And I guess when I've liked a guy it has always been "I need you" rather than... "I want you." And I thought that as long as I was needed, I was worthy and had a role. It shouldn't be that way... and really... I'm sick of feeling this way... I'm sick of needing a guy to talk to. But when I don't have one, something doesn't feel quite right.

So it's a problem that I need to figure out. I still don't even like being alone... and sleeping in a house alone is probably one of my worst fears. All this stuff holds me back. And I always feel safer with other people around... just in case. I rarely trust my own judgment... and don't even know WHY I struggle with these things.

So much to work on.

Thats all for now, (:

It's a new season.. (:

This will be long... I am just trying to organize this concept in my head.

Life- it's the same game... just different rules. All the lasting changes I've made came from an acceptance in a change of my thinking. As a former and sometimes current black and white thinker, this change in thinking led me to finally find a middle ground.

Since I'm a writer.... I always have a blog in my head. Change the script, change the outcome.

An example is with my relationships. A change in rules and a change in scripts is always needed. I've had to rethink everything about male masculinity... about a man's intentions. I had to be tested until I accepted the weakness in males at times. I have to rewire my thinking: all guys don't hit or force. There is still a lot of re-writing to do. I don't have to be the perfect girl 24/7. I don't have to agree to everything. I don't have to give up my identity and allow manipulation for him to get what he wants out of me etc.

And it seems like the desire for happiness is what makes me seek out the middle ground in my thinking. It's like my north star. This is how I'm starting to view the world... that we all are trying to meet our needs and find ways of doing so. When life changes, we need to find different ways to meet those needs... or need to find ways of meeting new needs. I would love to concentrate on this for a while... it seems true. My unhappiness stems from my needs not being met.

The start of my relationship cycle began when my emotional needs were not being met. Any positive attention I got... any compliment... any guy that acted like he truly cared stole my heart. I feel dead when I don't have emotonal connections- since that is how I experience and interpret my world. Same needs... different way of getting them met. This time I'm reconnecting with my family more... concentrating on friends... and changing my rules about the all or nothing relationship approach. The result? I still feel like I'm "cheating the system" lol... but I'm happier and feel less empty.

What if it's that basic? What if life really is about meeting our needs.. and in relationships too? What if the key to happiness is simple like that too- finding ways to fulfill all our needs? Do our wants help us fulfill them?

I guess I'm just so used to depriving myself... or binging on aspects of life because I'm so starved of something. Hah. Funny how this is just symbolism. Letting myself be happy... letting myself be fulfilled... by altering my rules and my life script... this seems to be helping.

Other rules I'm overriding:

Ex loves can never be friends. All ties involved in the friendship or relationship must be broken after you decide to move on or you break up. (I'm trying to keep peace with my previous loves, have a distant friendship with a different one... and am still close to their families in other cases)

Cuddling is only okay in serious romantic relationships. (This is a really hard one)

Friendships have to be long-term and serious only. (No... they can be in the moment... and fun... and still meaningful.)

There's something wrong with me that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. (I'm exploring and the timing isn't right.)

Fathers are only for protection and lectures and have no emotional connections with their daughters. (My dad said "I love you" one day... he askes about my day... he does little things to show he cares.)

Not being able to finish something is failure. (No failure would be taking on more than I can handle and hurting my GPA because of my pride.)

Mistakes require repeated self-punishment. (They require forgiveness of myself, learning the lesson, changing my ways... and moving onward.)

etc. etc. etc. As I change the way I think about them... change the script and the rules of my life, I expand my awareness... approach everything out of love and find the peace of alligning my beliefs with my growth.

That's what change is about. Events are brought up from the past that challenge us to change our thinking about them to heal.

I love this.

I feel calm and centered right now. There is no crisis- always feels strange. I can't beat myself up for not being stressed for a moment because I usually am. I can't feel sad when my needs are being met etc. So what now? No pain. No hurt. Peace. :)

We are strong.

I'm going to be honest and pour my heart out right now by saying this: I still miss you. I think about what I wish we had sometimes and I always pray for you... but I know that it just wasn't meant to be :) If you miss me too, or ever think about the friendship we shared...well that's great. I need some help to carry on sometimes, and that's when I need you.

God of wonders, the One I adore, I love you and I'm so thankful for every blessing you have put into my life. I'm trying my hardest to live every day to serve you! You are Holy (: Holy.. Sometimes, I just like to play worship music, and I like to think on God and what He is to me. What He gives me, what He wants from me. Then all I can really stop and say Hallelujah. Because nothing could be better than being in daily fellowship with an amazing healer and friend. Nothing is more filling than His presence.

I'm nothing without You, Jesus. I'm nothing without You constantly giving me strength, helping me through everything. If I didn't have You, I would have nothing :) Life without Jesus Christ is a catastrophe. It's like one giant..broken mess.

Now I'm gonna talk about one of my favorite songs, The Revelation Song, and why I believe it is so powerful :) In Heaven there are tons of Angels just standing around worshiping our heavenly Father, and this song is the words they are saying!

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple.  Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;

the whole earth is full of his glory.”

To my best friend.. :)

I like how your hair always looks beautiful.
I like how you sing like an angel.
I like when you wear dresses because they're pretty.
I like your laugh.
I like how much life is found in you.
I love how warm your heart is. ♥

I don't understand how you could ever be sad when you are so beautiful.
I don't like how you're blind, because you don't know how great you are.

I would give up all my senses for you to see yourself.
It makes me really sad that you see yourself as this horrible thing.

I want you to know that no matter where my days take me, I'll never treat you like your previous friends. I wouldn't say anything if I didn't mean it.
I would have never known a true friendship if I didn't have you. I wouldn't know how it feels or what it looks like. I would have no idea what to do or what to say to keep someone as my friend.
There won't come a day that I'm ungrateful for you in my life, or where i'm ungrateful that you continue to walk with me. There has never been an awkward moment between us or something that has REALLY made me angry towards you.

One day when I'm older and my hearing is gone, I'll still know that you're my best friend. :) You won't have to tell me or write it down. Someday when I have gray hair and my eyesight is lost, I will still be able to see that you are my best friend.

You're great.
I promise. (:

She shows up nervously and says...

I feel like a statistic.
People group teenagers in this horrible category.
They say all we do is sleep and party. Drink and smoke. Hang out with friends and pay no attention to our family. They say we do bad in school and don't do our homework. They say we have no common sense.

Now this doesn't go for all of us, not everyone thinks this way. This is what movies and television programs perceive teenagers to be.

Now don't get me wrong, I have friends that have experienced the drinking and smoking and none of that was for me, it never will be. Let me be completely honest and say that the feeling I get from waking up in the morning and starting the day is much more uplifting then drinking a beer. I regret even THINKING about trying those things, I'd rather be able to leave high school saying I didn't do any of it at all. And I have learned a great lesson.

From the minute I wake up till the minute I go to bed, I am happy. (: Some things stumble across my mind through out the day, but I always keep my head up. Drinking and smoking never does anything for anyone besides ruin all human connections. They make people so weak, and all they can do is talk with someone about the party they went to last weekend. I would hate the feeling of lying to people and my parents, especially. I love being open and honest with my parents now more than ever.

What I was originally getting to, is that I feel like a teenager lately. All I've been wanting to do is sleep. I rarely get to spend time with my family because I'm working on homework or I'm with my friends. I wish I spent more time with my mom, she is truly everything I wish I could be.
If you knew my mom, you would have hope for all of humanity. She's so funny and caring. She understands everything.

I don't know for sure where I want to go to college and I don't know what I want to be when I grow older but I know for a fact that I want to be just like my mom.

I think I am the way I am because I want adults to have different thoughts on teenagers. I want them to know that we are not horrible people. I want them to have hope that we could actually have good intentions.

I don't look down upon anyone that smokes or drinks. I won't judge anyone that is being intimate or giving themselves to many people. I wouldn't ever look at anyone any differently if they were black and they dated someone that was white. I don't look down upon gay relationships because I am supposed to love everyone. Love is love. I will always see everyone as a person that has a heart just like I do. <3

I hope you don't judge people for the mistakes they make. I really hope you don't look down on someone for trying a drink or smoking a cigarette. We are only human & we make mistakes. You'll make a really bad mistake one day and you're going to hope to God that nobody looks at you differently and that your friends will stay by your side.

It's a Thursday night and I don't even know why I decided to write this. I hope you never become another "statistic" and that you learn to love everyone with all of your heart.

Start your Friday morning with a smile.. :D
I think you're wonderful. (: