Here's to Honesty..

Honestly, I wish I couldn't feel anything right now.. because what I do feel is a gaping hole in my stomach & that my heart has been ripped and is hanging there while I continue to sob my eyes out. I didn't want to write this on a facebook note, because I didn't want people to think I was writing this to get sympathy. I'm writing this to be understood, to understand myself. God wants all of me, every last feeling, emotion, and desire. And honestly, I don't like giving up my jealousy, or my feelings, or my desire for August. Or even my pain. Sometimes, I like pain, because it shows that I am feeling something. Don't get me wrong, I have never caused myself physical harm. Just mental and emotional I guess..

I just feel hurt.. Like i'm fighting against the strongest desire I have ever had, and I know it's stupid. I know people have to grow up. I know that I'm going to have to lose my best friends, I'm going to have to be on my own. Just me & God. I know that. When all of your friends have a calling as strong as yours, it's rare that you're all going to have time to be "best friends forever." Like you promised. I get that. It just sucks. I mean, serving God, wow.. that's the GREATEST privilege ever. And God calls us to give up the thing that is most important to us and give it to Him. Yes, He has blessed me BEYOND a shadow of a doubt. He does everything for me. And a lot of times I am not grateful, but when God blesses us we have to know that we have to give things up to Him and allow Him to do what He wants with it..even if it hurts.

And it hurts, trust me. Right now, I feel like I don't ever want to get out of bed again, yet, in six weeks I will be off starting my life without my mom.. without Sheila, Brooke, or Kelly. Without August. With Bryan Ridgeway, without Pastor Jane. Without Jamie Neaton. Why is this so hard for me to be okay with? For me to grasp? It came on me so strongly last night, while I was sick. It didn't feel good. It felt like I KNOW something, but I can't put it in my heart and trust EVERYTHING to it. I KNOW God is there for me, I know He is the LOVE OF MY LIFE.. And that I don't need to ever be in a relationship to understand that. I know that He is the best friend I will ever have, because He doesnt fail my like my best friends on earth will and have. I know that HE is my parent, but it doesn't feel the same. It feels like I am nothing without my earthly mother, like I have nothing without her. Yet, she's getting sicker, and I'm leaving forever. How am I supposed to live with that? What about when she dies? Will I even be in the States? Who knows? Only God.

I don't know WHY I feel like this, why I never want to get out of bed again when in reality I should be SO HONORED that God picked me.. that He has a plan for my life! I should not be sitting here feeling sorry for myself, feeling more scared than I've ever felt in my entire life. I should not be scared at all. I should not be sick at all. I should be fine, better than fine, ecstatic. happy. overjoyed. Instead, i'm tired, sick, heartbroken, and don't even know what to do with myself other than cry. That's pathetic, I'm pathetic. I need to get it together, and as soon as I'm done with this note I'm going to work on that. I know that God's plan is best, but I don't believe it. If I did, I wouldn't be acting like this. I would be jumping for joy, filling out college papers, not crying.. missing everything that I haven't even left yet. I feel so weak. I know in my heart that crying isn't weakness, but my mind tells me otherwise. it always has.

In conclusion, God us good. SO GOOD. He's Holy and Perfect and He has a way of showing me that even..or especially when I don't deserve it.